The United Nations immediately regretted allowing the small, independent island nation of Catan into its union on Tuesday, as the nation caused an unholy ruckus in the most recent meeting.
America: Okay everyone, let’s get this meeting underway. We’re here to discuss the current situation in the Middle East…
Catan: WHO NEEDS CLAY FOR SHEEP?
England: Blimey, who let Catan in here?
America: They’re new, remember?
Catan: I HAVE ORE! DOES ANYONE NEED ORE?
America: Let’s get back on track. Catan, we’ll discuss your international import/export options at a later–
Catan: I ALSO HAVE A TON OF WHEAT I’M NOT USING! DON’T JUST MAKE ME TRADE IT TO THE BANK!
Spain: You mean the World Food Bank? If your country produces excess wheat, you SHOULD be donating to…
Catan: THE BARBARIANS ARE GOING TO WIPE MY PIECES OFF THE BOARD IF I DON’T GET SHEEP. I HAVE WOOD FOR SHEEP!
Scotland: Me too.
After the dust settled, the UN immediately unanimously voted to let the annoying nation fend for itself from now on.
TRISTAM— Deckard Cain, famed crazy old man, announced today that he’s fed up with today’s upstart new heroes, and is wistful for the days when Diablo first walked the world of Sanctuary, wreaking havoc and terror upon the denizens of the original Tristram.
“It was a different time,” a wistful Cain said. “Back then I would tell a hero to stay awhile and listen, and doggone it, he would stay awhile and listen. They’d buy me a few beers, I’d identify a few items… it really put the hero in a demon slaying mood. But not anymore. Now I’m lucky to get halfway through my quest explanation before they’re running off.”
Local heroes, in the meantime, blame Cain himself for their recent distance.
“Look, I don’t have anything against the guy,” said a fed up barbarian, “but I’m on a mission to save the entire world from demons. The entire world. Every time I stop into town for some potions or something, I don’t have the time to hear a long, drawn out explanation about how Cain has some personal beef with the monster I’m going to slay.”
The Barbarian’s frustrations were echoed by other adventurers, too. “What’s that, Cain?” said a particularly sarcastic Witch Doctor. “The lords of hell are ravaging the lands even as we speak, and you want me to stay awhile and listen to your story about how you once followed a Carrion Bat back to its nest? Thanks, but I’ll just identify my own items from now on.”
“And the smell,” said a local wizard. “That’s something no one talks about. I mean, I know heroes rescued him from a demon cage in Tristram 20 years ago, but has he bothered to shower since then?”
The heroes’ comments seemed to mean little to Cain, however, who insists on chatting up every adventurer who passes by.
“I have great secrets to reveal about the Demon Lords and the terrible monstrosities that plague our land!” Cain said. “If I don’t take the time to talk to the seemingly endless stream of adventurers who pass through our town, what good am I?”
To Her Royal Highness, Princess Peach of Mushroom Kingdom:
You know that we Toads, your loyal subjects, adore you. You are a just, fair ruler, and we have enjoyed years of prosperity under your reign. However, You must realize that you seem to spend an inordinate amount of time being outwitted and captured by Bowser. Like, really. It’s weird.
Nothing against you! We would never seek to imply that our beloved Princess was anything but crafty and wise. But you must realize that Bowser did not get to be King of the Koopas for nothing. He’s a wily one.
With this in mind, we have put together a list of guidelines which we believe will help prevent future kidnappings. Take heed:
- If you’re walking in the garden and you notice a big, mysterious clown balloon hovering overhead, don’t wait to see what it is. Go inside! Call Mario for assistance!
- Bowser is the only full-fledged dinosaur with the ability to talk in the Mushroom Kingdom. If a talking dinosaur repairman in overalls knocks on your door and tells you he’s there to fix the oven, don’t let him in! Instead, let Mario know.
- If you get an invitation to join a free airship tour for a limited time only, remember, Bowser is the only one who even owns one of those things. Don’t feel obligated to “act now.” Simply call Mario. He’ll tell you what to do.
- No matter what you receive in the mail, you have not won an “all-expense-paid trip to World 8-4.” World 8-4 is open to the public—it’s just that no one goes there because it’s Bowser’s lava-filled fortress of evil. Consult with Mario.
- Look to your left. Now to your right. Is Mario there? Because he should be.
Princess, our top scientists believe that, by following these simple guidelines, you can reduce the rate of your kidnapping by over 90%. We implore you, for the safety of yourself and for your kingdom, Heed these words.
Your Loyal Subjects,
HYRULE—Link, famed Hero of Time and Savior of the Golden Realm, announced today that he is “fed up” with the people of Hyrule, and has told them that they can fend for themselves in the future.
“In order to Navigate Ganon’s nefarious dungeons and recover the Triforce, I need a blue candle to light my way,” Link explained. “I am literally trying to save the world, but no shopkeeper in Hyrule will sell me one for under sixty rupees. It’s wartime profiteering, plain and simple.”
Local shopkeepers were outraged at Link’s announcement.
“Listen, I gots the same three items I always carry. I gots my blue candle, my big honkin shield, and a chunk of meat from a questionable source. I ain’t never dropped my prices before, and no good-for-nothing “Hero-of-Time” is gonna be making me.”
“If we drop our prices,” said another local shopkeeper, “Ganon has already won.”
Despite the shopkeepers’ bravado, Link remains one their most valued/only customers. If he institutes a personal boycott, it could spell disaster for Hyrule’s economy.
“Listen,” Link said. “I found a moblin’s secret hideout, and he just straight up gave me one hundred rupees.” But my own people won’t sell me a magic ring to help me NOT DIE unless I fork over two hundred and fifty rupees. It just makes you wonder whose side they’re on.”
Despite Link’s financial concerns, he is rumored to spend a great deal of time at the local Money Making Game. When asked his opinion on these matters, Link’s mentor, Old Man, had only this to say: “Eastmost peninsula is the secret.” It is unclear to what he is referring.
Commander, I have been a loyal Marine for almost ten years, now. I’ve fought off Zergling rushes, I’ve survived High-Templar psi-storms. I’ve even been mind-controlled by a Dark Archon. That’s right: I’ve a veteran. And in my time, I’ve worked with all kinds of commanders—some were brilliant; others were outright incompetent. But never have I worked with a commander with such a seeming disregard for Terran life as yourself. It pains me to say this, Commander, but it must be said: You are a noob.
Don’t bother trying to deny it; your actions speak for themselves. Just look at what you’ve already done on this current mission: Your intel reports that we’re facing the Zerg on the far side of this Metalopolis, which means we’re going to be facing everything the Swarm can throw at us—Zerglings, Hydralisks, Ultralisks, and more. We need to muster our forces to prepare for the onslaught, but all you’ve done so far is build supply depots in the shape of a smiley face.
Is your plan to kill the Zerg with kindness? Even if the insectoid alien race recognizes the smiley face for what it is, they despise Terran joy. It can do nothing but fuel their anger against us.
Every commander has a learning curve. I understand that. But learning curve or not, there’s no excuse for building seventeen factories, lifting them off and flying them to separate corners of the battlefield. What tactical advantage did that serve?
Rest assured, Commander, I am not the only one who feels this way. Others have been making their feelings known around the base, too. Just listen to what some of your soldiers have to say:
“I’ve been floating in the bottom-left corner of the battlefield for over twenty minutes. It’s almost as if our Commander completely forgot I was here.” – Medivac Pilot
“Our Commander armed me with a nuclear missile and had me detonate it over our own army. It was horrific. I think he just wanted to see the explosion.” – Covert Ghost
“He sent me and 9 of my SCV buddies to fight an Ultralisk. We never stood a chance. It’s almost as if our Commander is an Infested Terran…holy god, that makes sense.” – Anonymous SCV
In summation, Commander, your policies and actions can at best be described as woefully ignorant, and at worst, the diabolical machinations of a traitorous madman. I implore you: either buy a strategy guide, or step down.
–A Desperately Hopeful Marine.
Hey! Listen! Link, the ghost of that deranged old man from the graveyard gave you the HOOKSHOT! Equip it with C buttons and use C to fire it!
Hey! Stop adventuring and listen! The floor is spongy here. I won’t tell you the significance of that, but it may or may not be important later.
Hey! Listen! I have something important to tell you. That monster you’re attacking is vulnerable to swords! …You’re welcome.
Hey! Lon-Lon milk comes from Lon-Lon cows!
Hey! Listen! I know there’ve been seventeen hints to go see the Gorons, but I thought I should interrupt you going to see the Gorons to remind you that we haven’t seen the Gorons in a while. What’s up with that?
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! I’m going to float over there and turn green for a while. Listen! I’m not saying there’s something important there. But I might be not not not not not saying the opposite of that.
Hey! There’s only one possible way to defeat this monster, and that’s to strike it directly—Hey! Listen! The egg you were carrying hatched into a chicken!
Hey! Listen! If you’re going out, I’d really appreciate it if you could pick me up another eight-ball. Look! A dog with a fluffy tail!
MUSHROOM KINGDOM: Luigi Mario, famed sidekick of hero-plumber Mario Mario, officially announced that he “sucks,” today, finally bringing to rest the long-standing rumor that has haunted his career.
“It’s something I’ve been coming to terms with for a long time now,” said a tearful Luigi in front of a crowd of friends, family, and invited members of the press. “The only time I was ever remotely worthwhile was in some nightmare my brother once had years ago. It’s time I come to grips with that.”
Mario himself was in resolute support of his brother’s announcement.
“It’s tough but fair, and I commend my brother for finally acknowledging it,” he said. “I mean, it’s not as if you ever saw Luigi rescuing Princess Peach, right? Do you know she didn’t even know his name until a few months ago? She was calling him ‘Wario’ until I corrected her.
Bowser, Mario’s arch-nemesis and arguably Luigi’s as well, seemed confused when he heard the announcement.
“Mario has a brother?” he said. “Are you sure?”
“I think I first started to realize the problem back when I did Luigi’s Mansion,” Luigi went on to elaborate. “I mean, around the same time, Mario went the other way and started spraying people with Super-Soakers. Critics raved about how he was reaching out to children. In the meantime, I hunted the souls of the damned with nothing but a vacuum cleaner, and people said I was being too childish. I just can’t win.”
When asked if Luigi will continue adventuring with his brother Mario, Luigi seemed uncertain.
“Let me put it this way. I once went to a party on Halloween, and people thought I was wearing the wrong color Mario costume. That doesn’t do great things for the old self-esteem. I’m looking into other career options right now.”
Although Luigi has not commented on what those options are, he is rumored to be working on getting his arwing liscence with Fox McCloud.
“Listen,” said Fox. “I can’t officially confirm or deny anything. But let’s just say those rumors have been highly exaggerated.”