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An Open Letter to Princess Peach:

June 22, 2015

To Her Royal Highness, Princess Peach of Mushroom Kingdom:

You know that we Toads, your loyal subjects, adore you. You are a just, fair ruler, and we have enjoyed years of prosperity under your reign. However, You must realize that you seem to spend an inordinate amount of time being outwitted and captured by Bowser. Like, really. It’s weird.

Nothing against you! We would never seek to imply that our beloved Princess was anything but crafty and wise. But you must realize that Bowser did not get to be King of the Koopas for nothing. He’s a wily one.

With this in mind, we have put together a list of guidelines which we believe will help prevent future kidnappings. Take heed:

  1. If you’re walking in the garden and you notice a big, mysterious clown balloon hovering overhead, don’t wait to see what it is. Go inside! Call Mario for assistance!
  1. Bowser is the only full-fledged dinosaur with the ability to talk in the Mushroom Kingdom. If a talking dinosaur repairman in overalls knocks on your door and tells you he’s there to fix the oven, don’t let him in! Instead, let Mario know.
  1. If you get an invitation to join a free airship tour for a limited time only, remember, Bowser is the only one who even owns one of those things. Don’t feel obligated to “act now.” Simply call Mario. He’ll tell you what to do.
  1. No matter what you receive in the mail, you have not won an “all-expense-paid trip to World 8-4.” World 8-4 is open to the public—it’s just that no one goes there because it’s Bowser’s lava-filled fortress of evil. Consult with Mario.
  1. Look to your left. Now to your right. Is Mario there? Because he should be.

Princess, our top scientists believe that, by following these simple guidelines, you can reduce the rate of your kidnapping by over 90%. We implore you, for the safety of yourself and for your kingdom, Heed these words.

Your Loyal Subjects,

–The Toads

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