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An Open Letter To Our Starcraft Commander:

April 13, 2015

Commander, I have been a loyal Marine for almost ten years, now. I’ve fought off Zergling rushes, I’ve survived High-Templar psi-storms. I’ve even been mind-controlled by a Dark Archon. That’s right: I’ve a veteran. And in my time, I’ve worked with all kinds of commanders—some were brilliant; others were outright incompetent. But never have I worked with a commander with such a seeming disregard for Terran life as yourself. It pains me to say this, Commander, but it must be said: You are a noob.

Don’t bother trying to deny it; your actions speak for themselves. Just look at what you’ve already done on this current mission: Your intel reports that we’re facing the Zerg on the far side of this Metalopolis, which means we’re going to be facing everything the Swarm can throw at us—Zerglings, Hydralisks, Ultralisks, and more. We need to muster our forces to prepare for the onslaught, but all you’ve done so far is build supply depots in the shape of a smiley face.

Is your plan to kill the Zerg with kindness? Even if the insectoid alien race recognizes the smiley face for what it is, they despise Terran joy. It can do nothing but fuel their anger against us.

Every commander has a learning curve. I understand that. But learning curve or not, there’s no excuse for building seventeen factories, lifting them off and flying them to separate corners of the battlefield. What tactical advantage did that serve?

Rest assured, Commander, I am not the only one who feels this way. Others have been making their feelings known around the base, too. Just listen to what some of your soldiers have to say:

“I’ve been floating in the bottom-left corner of the battlefield for over twenty minutes. It’s almost as if our Commander completely forgot I was here.” – Medivac Pilot

“Our Commander armed me with a nuclear missile and had me detonate it over our own army. It was horrific. I think he just wanted to see the explosion.” – Covert Ghost

“He sent me and 9 of my SCV buddies to fight an Ultralisk. We never stood a chance. It’s almost as if our Commander is an Infested Terran…holy god, that makes sense.” – Anonymous SCV

In summation, Commander, your policies and actions can at best be described as woefully ignorant, and at worst, the diabolical machinations of a traitorous madman. I implore you: either buy a strategy guide, or step down.


–A Desperately Hopeful Marine.


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