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It’s Official: Luigi Sucks.

February 6, 2015

luigi

MUSHROOM KINGDOM: Luigi Mario, famed sidekick of hero-plumber Mario Mario, officially announced that he “sucks,” today, finally bringing to rest the long-standing rumor that has haunted his career.

“It’s something I’ve been coming to terms with for a long time now,” said a tearful Luigi in front of a crowd of friends, family, and invited members of the press. “The only time I was ever remotely worthwhile was in some nightmare my brother once had years ago. It’s time I come to grips with that.”

Mario himself was in resolute support of his brother’s announcement.

“It’s tough but fair, and I commend my brother for finally acknowledging it,” he said. “I mean, it’s not as if you ever saw Luigi rescuing Princess Peach, right? Do you know she didn’t even know his name until a few months ago? She was calling him ‘Wario’ until I corrected her.

Bowser, Mario’s arch-nemesis and arguably Luigi’s as well, seemed confused when he heard the announcement.

“Mario has a brother?” he said. “Are you sure?”

“I think I first started to realize the problem back when I did Luigi’s Mansion,” Luigi went on to elaborate. “I mean, around the same time, Mario went the other way and started spraying people with Super-Soakers. Critics raved about how he was reaching out to children. In the meantime, I hunted the souls of the damned with nothing but a vacuum cleaner, and people said I was being too childish. I just can’t win.”

When asked if Luigi will continue adventuring with his brother Mario, Luigi seemed uncertain.

“Let me put it this way. I once went to a party on Halloween, and people thought I was wearing the wrong color Mario costume. That doesn’t do great things for the old self-esteem. I’m looking into other career options right now.”

Although Luigi has not commented on what those options are, he is rumored to be working on getting his arwing liscence with Fox McCloud.

“Listen,” said Fox. “I can’t officially confirm or deny anything. But let’s just say those rumors have been highly exaggerated.”

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