Let me paint the picture for you. You’re walking through Kakariko Village, enjoying the sounds of windmills and carpentry. Just as you’re admiring the view of Death Mountain from a rooftop, a woman comes up to you, frantic. She’s lost her chickens. Can you run through the town, find them and toss them back into her chicken pen? She’ll give you something good if you do.
It’s a situation we’ve all been in at one point in our lives. And most of us would say we just don’t have the time. Maybe you’re too busy because you have to release ghosts into the wild in an effort to corrupt the land. Or maybe you’re too busy because you’re trying to find the perfect place in your dungeon to hide a boomerang. Or maybe you’re too busy because, heck, you just gotta destroy Hyrule.
Most of us would simply slay this woman and be done with it. But sometimes it’s good to just step back and think. What would you do if you had the Triforce of Wisdom?
With the Triforce of Wisdom, you may come to realize that helping the poor woman isn’t just the right choice; it’s the only choice. Destroying Hyrule is one thing, but destroying Hyrule’s humanity is an entirely different story. What kind of person would you be if you didn’t help her? And hey, let’s just go ahead and ask the big question. Do you even WANT to enslave a world that’s devoid of common human courtesy?
Now, some of you out there may be thinking, “Woah. Hold on there, Ganondorf, old buddy. Courtesy? Haven’t you committed horrible atrocities by waging a war of conquest upon Hylia that’s spanned millennia, during which you’ve starved myriad Gorons, fed princesses to whale-gods, and added “dorf” to the end of several nouns?”
That’s fair. But let me ask you this: When Wizzrobe needed a partner for his doubles badminton tournament, who stepped up? When Dodongo wanted to take up baking no matter WHAT the other monsters said, who gave it the emotional support it needed? And when the darknut union demanded armor with no backs, who made sure the motion carried all the way through to law? This guy, that’s who. Good old Ganondorf.
So remember to take this lesson of the Triforce of Wisdom to heart. Regardless of your plans for killing imposter forest boys, price-gouging on big shields at one of our many three-item shops, or utter global conquest, it’s the common courtesies we give our friends and neighbors which shows real wisdom.
(Oh, and if you happen to actually FIND the Triforce of Wisdom just lying around or something, could you send it my way? That’d be great.)
Aries – Bill Wesley is embezzling from the company and setting you up to take the fall. Make sure you let Chuck and the rest of the board know so you can beat Bill to the punch.
Taurus – Cheryl had a great time with you the other night and will definitely go out with you again. Be sure to milk it for all it’s worth, because you only have another three dates until she finds out you’re married.
Gemini – Jupiter is transiting to the fifth house, so be sure to avoid any Virgos named Howard Leslie who try to sell you insurance.
Cancer – You don’t have nearly enough plutonium to make your doomsday device work.
Leo – Nobody likes your Christopher Walken impression. Nobody.
Virgo – Duck!
Libra – The safe combination is R23, L15, R3, L25. Try not to forget it again.
Scorpio – Your webcam has been running for five straight days. Just Youtube “dancing alone with teddy bears” if you don’t believe it.
Sagittarius – Your ship doesn’t have proper shielding. Abort!
Capricorn – Four out of five dentists agree: You’re going to die alone.
Aquarius – Careful–he’s going to duck. Someone tipped him off.
Pisces – On the 14th floor, you’ll find a box. In the box you’ll find a key. The key opens locker 52A in Grand Central Station. In the locker is a cell phone. Take it and await further instructions.
SNAKE MAN’S LAIR: Disaster struck Snake Man’s lair yesterday when Mega Man, notorious cannibal, broke into the beloved robot’s home, murdered him and stole his Search Snakes. It’s the fifth murder in as many weeks, and has baffled citizens and police alike.
“I just don’t understand it,” said a tearful Top Man. “Snake Man was a model citizen, a wonderful robot, and a friend. What kind of deranged madman would hunt him down and wear his snakes as a grisly trophy?”
Mega Man, (also known as “Rockman” in some circles) has already been implicated in the deaths of Gemini Man, Hard Man, Shadow Man and Magnet Man. Attempts to catch him have proven ineffective, and robots everywhere are terrified.
“I covered my entire lair in spikes,” said Needle Man. “Just spikes, everywhere. And I hide in my panic room every night. But he’s coming. I know he’s coming.”
Needle Man’s fears are not entirely unfounded. Magnet Man’s lair was filled with disappearing blocks, a defensive measure that cost millions of dollars to develop and implement. But Magnet Man was killed in his lair last week, and it’s feared that Mega Man may have gained the disappearing block technology for himself.
“But it’s Rush that worries us the most,” said a police spokesman, referring to Mega Man’s rabid, sidekick dog. “Used to be, a robot could protect his lair with large, random gaps in the floor, but Rush changed all that. Gaps are ineffectual against Mega Man and Rush. Completely ineffectual.”
Police are reaching out to the community for help. Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of Mega Man, Rush, or the notorious Dr. Light, who is being sought in connection with the murders, should contact the police immediately.
For now, it appears that Mega Man’s horrific rampage will go unchecked.