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This month’s horoscope brought to you by the psychic pokemon, Mewtwo!

January 15, 2015

Aries – Bill Wesley is embezzling from the company and setting you up to take the fall. Make sure you let Chuck and the rest of the board know so you can beat Bill to the punch.

Taurus – Cheryl had a great time with you the other night and will definitely go out with you again. Be sure to milk it for all it’s worth, because you only have another three dates until she finds out you’re married.

Gemini – Jupiter is transiting to the fifth house, so be sure to avoid any Virgos named Howard Leslie who try to sell you insurance.

Cancer – You don’t have nearly enough plutonium to make your doomsday device work.

Leo – Nobody likes your Christopher Walken impression. Nobody.

Virgo – Duck!

Libra – The safe combination is R23, L15, R3, L25. Try not to forget it again.

Scorpio – Your webcam has been running for five straight days. Just Youtube “dancing alone with teddy bears” if you don’t believe it.

Sagittarius – Your ship doesn’t have proper shielding. Abort!

Capricorn – Four out of five dentists agree: You’re going to die alone.

Aquarius – Careful–he’s going to duck. Someone tipped him off.

Pisces – On the 14th floor, you’ll find a box. In the box you’ll find a key. The key opens locker 52A in Grand Central Station. In the locker is a cell phone. Take it and await further instructions.

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